so much love.

the T word.

How do we know what real trust is. Everyone is always searching for it, everyone is always asking for it... but not many people are willing to give it. I'm not even completely sure that most people these days would recognise true trust if they had it, which doesn't exactly make it easier to be found.
I've always thought that trust was one of the most important values in any sort of relationship with people, and I always thought that I was someone who did put trust in others. I was proud of the fact that I was strong enough to put myself out there and make myself vulnerable in order to gain someones' trust in return. But now that I think about it or reflect on it... I'm a bit ashamed. Because I now realise I'm completely wrong.
I thought that I gave out my trust easily and often... but when I clear that wishful thinking I realise, I don't at all. In fact i'm ashamed at the little trust I give people. I wanted to know why people don't trust each other these days, and then I realised, its the same reason I've been scarce with it for such a long time. Because they're scared. People are worried that as soon as they give something that makes them vulnerable, that it will be used against them. I know that I'm the same, but sometimes I feel like most of the times that I have put trust in people... I do get hurt. I finally build up the courage to make myself vulnerable to someone, but then they turn around wound me. I'm terrible at trusting people because I feel like there's not many people I can trust. Of course there are the few exceptions to this as always, but people these days just don't understand what loyalty is. Or privacy, or the fact that sometimes their actions can actually affect other people too. They get too caught up in gossip, or in other people's problems, and don't realise their actions can be hurtful until its too late. Society these days just makes people only think of themselves.

But conversations with yourself is just insanity...

Internal struggles are the worst. Trying to make your mind up about something, trying to make a decision about your life.. when really you have no idea what you want. The internal struggles, the ones that no one else ever knows about, the ones that we sometimes even have trouble spotting ourselves... they're the most annoying. As the name implies, these annoying conflicts don't concern or involve anyone else, they're just between you and your little old self, making them even harder to deal with, and sometimes making it more complicated to resolve. The worst part about personal internal struggles is that there's parts of you, something inside of you, that wants both resolutions to your struggle. Hence it being a struggle, if you only wanted one ending it wouldn't be a conflict, your decision would be made. -.-
But you know what else that means, that means that no matter what you decide- however your struggle ends... either way, there's a part of you left unsatisfied. The part that made you consider the alternate outcome of the struggle. There you are trying to decide, between one ending to a scenario, or the other. But you have your reasons for considering each result. And that means that however it ends, one of the things you had as a reason for your choice, is disregarded. Unacknowledged. And there's always a part of you that gets hurt in that situation... the part that was unacknowledged.
It just doesn't seem fair really, that when making such big decisions.. you're basically guaranteed a loss either way. No matter how much you want both, the universe basically has to tell you "well you can't have that, and you never will. So suck it up."
I mean who's the universe to decide what we can and can't do with our lives anyway. Sigh.

Because at least a teddy bear will listen.

I sometimes wish, that we could create people from our imagination. But not just imaginary people, like actual, physical people. Yea i'm a bit crazy. But there's logic beneath my insanity.
If I could create someone from my imagination, I would create a sister-like figure. She would be like the loyal imaginary friend that many children have, but she would be real. Someone that would always be there to welcome me when I get home, but still never leave my side. But the main purpose for this imaginary-but-real sister, would just be someone to listen. Someone that I could vent all my problems to, tell all of my thoughts, and they would just comfort me and understand. Someone that I would feel comfortable having no boundaries with, not having to censor any information or have any guards up, just being completely honest, and knowing that they will always listen. This used to be the purpose of my teddy bears, I would hold them tight when I was sad and tell them all my troubles. They would never argue back, or judge me or care about what I told them. I never had to lie to them, they never expected anything of me... they were the perfect thing to vent at. But sometimes as young me sat hugging my teddy bears, I would have given anything in the world for them to hug me back. To be able to respond and tell me they understood and that it would all be ok, to comfort me and hold me tight, instead of lying motionless while I comforted them. As helpful and loving as my teddies were, I yearned for the place of my teddy bears to be filled by a person. To be able to actually let someone else know what I was feeling, instead of keeping it confidential to everyone besides myself and a few stuffed animals. And as I get older, the need for that human teddy bear doesn't seem to be going away, but getting stronger.

Promises of persistence.

So i've set a goal. And i've decided that this goal must be reached in one month. It's a new challenge that I am absolutely determined to achieve,  and that I am excited to take on. It is going to take a huge amount of persistence, but I know that it is all for the better and I'm going to have to keep reminding myself that. Its something that i've wanted to do for an extremely extremely long time, so now i'm proud that I'm finally going to give it a real go. I have to do it, if I dont i'll most likely fall apart.
This is my pledge. Someone better hold me to it.

Not a light, but a flicker maybe?

I happen to be in a rather good mood this evening. Disregarding all school related things of course, I am actually quite proud of myself today. I currently seem to have this kind of proud-inspiring feeling, after i've been disappointed in myself for failing at something for a very long time and today I seem to have actually done an ok job. It seems as though, I could finally be getting back on track. Then again i've been here many times before, and somehow something always seems to throw a bit of a spanner in the works, so i shall not jinx anything yet. But today was promising. If I can be strong willed and persistent and keep up my good work things may turn around. fingers crossed :D Lets enjoy these feel-good vibes of present shall we

Peeping through my window.

I've decided that the Rain is actually my favourite thing- as cliche as my choice may be, It honestly gives me so much joy. Whilst most people would describe a cold rainy day as something horrible and dismal, I see them as my secret joy, almost like a private love. Its slightly ironic though, that such a common interest that many people have like the rain is my private love, I mean its not private if the whole world loves it too right? but i dont mean private as in exclusive, Im not the only one who likes the rain. Its my private love because whenever its raining, thats my favourite time to be alone. With nothing but my thoughts to keep me company, just watching each raindrop fall and gently shatter when they hit the floor. When a lot of people think of the rain, they think of uncomfortable cold, ruined hair and squelching shoes. But in my head, the first things that come to mind are feelings of comfort and warmth and solitude... beauty almost.
I love the smell of the rain. It brings feelings of blissful comfort, memories of the many times i've rugged up just to sit by an open window and watch the rainfall. I love the feeling of walking through the rain, each raindrop adding its contribution to soaking my hair and skin, feeling so alive and so free. I love the sound of the rain, hearing it fall all around me yet never touching me. Im extremely grateful for the fact that my house has lots of windows, and multiple skylights too. It just makes each rainy day an especially lovely time.

When disappointment turns to inspiration.

I am proud to announce, that this post wont be as completely depressing and negative as my recents. Its just a little story to share, that i quite enjoy. So I have this little postcard stuck on my wall. I got it from the library at school, and its meant to be an ad for any emerging artists to send their entries into this postcard place, but i kept it because of the picture. On it is a little sketched cartoon of a boy, who is standing in front of a colourful happy background, but there's a raincloud above his head, and he's crying. The title above him reads "Having a bad day?"
I dont know why, but I stuck it on my wall, half because of the cute picture and the other half because for some reason I gave it sentimental value. And whenever I am having a bad day, I see that little cartoon boy on my wall feeling just as melancholy with me. He's been there for a while now.
But today when I was sitting at my desk with my mind busy on other tasks, I glanced up at the postcard accidentally, and noticed that something was different. Someone had come into my room at some point, turned the card over, and stuck it back up on my wall. I now had the underside of the card stuck up above my desk, shining out to my bedroom. But this side said in thick black letters "Don't Worry, the sun will come out tomorrow". All this time the side with the little boy crying was on my wall, and I didnt even know that the other side had this cute message on it. But when i saw that message up on my wall, it gave me a huge case of the warm-and-fuzzies. It just so happened that at this certain time, i was indeed having a very stressful day. And when I saw that little message, even though I have no idea who put it up there, it made me feel like that person cared. Those warm-fuzzies gave me a sort of epiphany, and actually brightened up my whole day. During this feel-good mood, I decided to do a little experiment, and i typed 'happiness' into google images. I then found this picture. The words on it only added to my epiphany and further opened and cleared my mind. They were like the sign that had to be held in front of my eyes to tell me what i'd been doing wrong this whole time. Have a look for yourself, im sure you'll understand.

Emotional Hearing.

Don't you love those songs, that are so extremely emotional that they make the feeling swell up inside you and feel like its about to explode? those songs are my favourite. They don't always necessarily have to be sad emotions, some songs are so cute and happy that they make you blissful and giddy and then the feeling that you're about to explode with is happiness. I can pretty much think of a different song that does this for each emotion. But when you listen to these songs, they make you wanna cry out the lyrics as loud as you can, and just pour out everything you're feeling into those lyrics. Most of the time you can hear the singer doing exactly that, and that's why the emotion of the song is so powerful. You feel it swell up inside you, building up bigger and bigger until the song bursts with emotion and you hear what they're feeling not in their words specifically, but just in the song, in their voice.
Best example: "You be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, i'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds" by Mayday Parade.
Despite its extremely long title, you can practically hear the hurt in this song. You hear it so clear that you start to feel the singer's own pain. God i love this song.

Optimism is simply a pessimist's last resort.

You know those emails you sometimes see - the chain-mails that are usually enjoyed by your mother or grandma - that have either cute animations or beautiful images of scenery or nature, and preach life lessons and beautiful words? They say heart warming things about never taking things for granted and how to be truly happy. Despite the fact that half of them say the exact same thing and often have recurring phrases (plagiarism or shared ideas you say?) they can be temporarily inspiring, and they put you in one of those moods where for at least just a moment, you feel truly happy as the email promises. But then surprise surprise, eventually this inspired mood wares off and you're back to feeling the same way you always do, being troubled by even the smallest aspects of your day. So I then ask the question- who the hell writes these emails?
Are they just writing it impulsively, because they happen to be in a really good mood at the time and wanna share it with the cyber-world? Or are they genuinely just happy people, who are happy with their lives, and have the wisdom and knowledge to share with others? I don't mean to sound like a pessimist or a downer, but simply just a realist when I ask Another question... do such people even exist? Because complete and utter happiness would surely be a perfect life, but as far as i'm aware utter perfection has never existed.

Everyone can be happy. This much I know is true. Its the little things in life that can brighten people's moods and make them face the day with a smile. But i've seen first hand how easily this simple happiness can be lost. Its sad and quite disappointing when you realise just how many people struggle with their happiness. You never really realise just how many others aren't all they appear to be on the surface, untill you somehow get a peep inside- a keyhole if you will. It might not be just a keyhole- it might be a doorway, that they are opening for you and letting you in, if they tell you or want you to know. But often this doorway is tightly locked... and the only way you would see beyond the surface is if you somehow notice a keyhole, a crack in their strong facade. And once you start noticing how many people have these cracks- your mind wonders if the authors of those emails are genuine, or just optimistic.
Because Optimism and Happiness are two different things. People who are happy, truly happy, don't need to be optimistic. Because they can accept the world for what it is, the positive and the negative, and be happy with all of it. I think optimism is really just an act of desperation. People who are trying desperately to be or at least seem happy. They think that by making everything a positive, only having good in their lives and only having positive outcomes of everything, makes the negative not exist, and then there will be no such thing as 'bad'. And this is the inspiring mood that the chain-mails bring, when you all of a sudden see how easy it must be to be truly happy. I know the mood. I have it often, when you try so hard to just be happy. You try so hard that you resort to optimism, and then think to yourself, who are you kidding.
It makes me sad, when you see others doing the same. When you look back over things from the past, either physical objects or memories, and you see how happy people used to be, how inspired they always were. Where did all that inspiration go? or was it just another case of optimism, just people who used to be optimists and have now grown up. Actually I don't think I really want to know... for now i'll try and be optimistic ;)

Makes me wonder.

So today I was bored and decided to check my long neglected Formspring page. When I logged on, of course the questions that were asked were pointless or stupid or spam, and often all of the above. But there was one spam question that actually got me thinking. It was from a kid that I never talk to, and had obviously just passed on this random question to any page he could find in order to apparently escape 'the devil', as this is what was posted:
"If you are on God's side then send this to 10 people. If you're on the Devil's side then don't send. God will fix 2 things for you"
So despite the person having extreme literacy issues as i pretty much had to translate this into English so it was able to be understood... my first reaction to this spam was 'yea cool story alec...' but then I began to wonder why something so obviously stupid as this spam, was seen as believable by so many people. Because as I checked my home page, i saw the same question popping up and being resent by various others. I then realised that obviously, there were a lot of people that had something they wanted God to fix.
Now i'm not questioning or doubting the existence of a god, because I personally believe that there is defininately something funky happening up there that is beyond human control. What (or would you say who? O_O) that is i don't know, but what im curious about is why do people automatically assume that it has the power to erase all of their problems? I'm sure if God wanted to just fix everyones' problems as soon as they asked just like it was the simplest thing in the world, he (it?) would have done so a long time ago.
And you know what else is confusing, If this god did want to fix people's problems.. then why doesn't he? There's all types of terrible things happening on earth... so if God is meant to be fixing problems then hes doing a pretty shit job. Maybe the conclusion we're supposed to draw from this is that "God doesn't fix our problems for us because he wants us to learn how to fix them ourselves and grow from it..." or some meaningful shizz like that, but what about the people who honestly need help, and can't quite make it on their own. People that resort to things like drugs, people who's families and lives get screwed up, or people who in the end can't take life at all, those people really could do with some fixing, yet God just decides to sit and watch.
I for one know that if god was going to fix what i would like fixing in my life, he would have done it a long time ago.

My Head is a horrible place to be.

What does it mean, to feel numb?
Is it when you're conscious but hardly lucid? Is it when you just can't be bothered to think or feel, or in fact do anything at all? Is it when you feel bored or tired and don't really follow reality, or an underwhelming mood when you don't quite feel happy, but don't quite feel sad? Is it when you just can't concentrate or focus on your daily tasks? Or is it when you feel nothing - you don't feel anything at all.
Because if you don't feel anything at all, how could you feel numb? Doesn't it require feeling to know that you are feeling numb? How could 'numb' be a feeling if it involves having no feeling whatsoever, and the actual 'feeling' is that you feel nothing?
And if it is a feeling, How could a feeling that feels so strong, have no definition.

Maybe there's no such thing as feeling numb. Maybe there's no definition because there is nothing to define. It could just be one huge contradiction of itself, a learnt expression of the human mind that doesn't actually exist. Maybe being numb isn't a result of having no feeling, but not Wanting to feel. If this numbness just had a simple definition, it would makes things a lot easier. If people like myself could just be given a simple, clear answer to the question of what was going on in their head, then it would save a lot of internal confusion, and end this random query/struggle in my brain. All I would like is just some answers that explain this feeling of not feeling.