Optimism is simply a pessimist's last resort.

You know those emails you sometimes see - the chain-mails that are usually enjoyed by your mother or grandma - that have either cute animations or beautiful images of scenery or nature, and preach life lessons and beautiful words? They say heart warming things about never taking things for granted and how to be truly happy. Despite the fact that half of them say the exact same thing and often have recurring phrases (plagiarism or shared ideas you say?) they can be temporarily inspiring, and they put you in one of those moods where for at least just a moment, you feel truly happy as the email promises. But then surprise surprise, eventually this inspired mood wares off and you're back to feeling the same way you always do, being troubled by even the smallest aspects of your day. So I then ask the question- who the hell writes these emails?
Are they just writing it impulsively, because they happen to be in a really good mood at the time and wanna share it with the cyber-world? Or are they genuinely just happy people, who are happy with their lives, and have the wisdom and knowledge to share with others? I don't mean to sound like a pessimist or a downer, but simply just a realist when I ask Another question... do such people even exist? Because complete and utter happiness would surely be a perfect life, but as far as i'm aware utter perfection has never existed.

Everyone can be happy. This much I know is true. Its the little things in life that can brighten people's moods and make them face the day with a smile. But i've seen first hand how easily this simple happiness can be lost. Its sad and quite disappointing when you realise just how many people struggle with their happiness. You never really realise just how many others aren't all they appear to be on the surface, untill you somehow get a peep inside- a keyhole if you will. It might not be just a keyhole- it might be a doorway, that they are opening for you and letting you in, if they tell you or want you to know. But often this doorway is tightly locked... and the only way you would see beyond the surface is if you somehow notice a keyhole, a crack in their strong facade. And once you start noticing how many people have these cracks- your mind wonders if the authors of those emails are genuine, or just optimistic.
Because Optimism and Happiness are two different things. People who are happy, truly happy, don't need to be optimistic. Because they can accept the world for what it is, the positive and the negative, and be happy with all of it. I think optimism is really just an act of desperation. People who are trying desperately to be or at least seem happy. They think that by making everything a positive, only having good in their lives and only having positive outcomes of everything, makes the negative not exist, and then there will be no such thing as 'bad'. And this is the inspiring mood that the chain-mails bring, when you all of a sudden see how easy it must be to be truly happy. I know the mood. I have it often, when you try so hard to just be happy. You try so hard that you resort to optimism, and then think to yourself, who are you kidding.
It makes me sad, when you see others doing the same. When you look back over things from the past, either physical objects or memories, and you see how happy people used to be, how inspired they always were. Where did all that inspiration go? or was it just another case of optimism, just people who used to be optimists and have now grown up. Actually I don't think I really want to know... for now i'll try and be optimistic ;)

Makes me wonder.

So today I was bored and decided to check my long neglected Formspring page. When I logged on, of course the questions that were asked were pointless or stupid or spam, and often all of the above. But there was one spam question that actually got me thinking. It was from a kid that I never talk to, and had obviously just passed on this random question to any page he could find in order to apparently escape 'the devil', as this is what was posted:
"If you are on God's side then send this to 10 people. If you're on the Devil's side then don't send. God will fix 2 things for you"
So despite the person having extreme literacy issues as i pretty much had to translate this into English so it was able to be understood... my first reaction to this spam was 'yea cool story alec...' but then I began to wonder why something so obviously stupid as this spam, was seen as believable by so many people. Because as I checked my home page, i saw the same question popping up and being resent by various others. I then realised that obviously, there were a lot of people that had something they wanted God to fix.
Now i'm not questioning or doubting the existence of a god, because I personally believe that there is defininately something funky happening up there that is beyond human control. What (or would you say who? O_O) that is i don't know, but what im curious about is why do people automatically assume that it has the power to erase all of their problems? I'm sure if God wanted to just fix everyones' problems as soon as they asked just like it was the simplest thing in the world, he (it?) would have done so a long time ago.
And you know what else is confusing, If this god did want to fix people's problems.. then why doesn't he? There's all types of terrible things happening on earth... so if God is meant to be fixing problems then hes doing a pretty shit job. Maybe the conclusion we're supposed to draw from this is that "God doesn't fix our problems for us because he wants us to learn how to fix them ourselves and grow from it..." or some meaningful shizz like that, but what about the people who honestly need help, and can't quite make it on their own. People that resort to things like drugs, people who's families and lives get screwed up, or people who in the end can't take life at all, those people really could do with some fixing, yet God just decides to sit and watch.
I for one know that if god was going to fix what i would like fixing in my life, he would have done it a long time ago.

My Head is a horrible place to be.

What does it mean, to feel numb?
Is it when you're conscious but hardly lucid? Is it when you just can't be bothered to think or feel, or in fact do anything at all? Is it when you feel bored or tired and don't really follow reality, or an underwhelming mood when you don't quite feel happy, but don't quite feel sad? Is it when you just can't concentrate or focus on your daily tasks? Or is it when you feel nothing - you don't feel anything at all.
Because if you don't feel anything at all, how could you feel numb? Doesn't it require feeling to know that you are feeling numb? How could 'numb' be a feeling if it involves having no feeling whatsoever, and the actual 'feeling' is that you feel nothing?
And if it is a feeling, How could a feeling that feels so strong, have no definition.

Maybe there's no such thing as feeling numb. Maybe there's no definition because there is nothing to define. It could just be one huge contradiction of itself, a learnt expression of the human mind that doesn't actually exist. Maybe being numb isn't a result of having no feeling, but not Wanting to feel. If this numbness just had a simple definition, it would makes things a lot easier. If people like myself could just be given a simple, clear answer to the question of what was going on in their head, then it would save a lot of internal confusion, and end this random query/struggle in my brain. All I would like is just some answers that explain this feeling of not feeling.