But conversations with yourself is just insanity...

Internal struggles are the worst. Trying to make your mind up about something, trying to make a decision about your life.. when really you have no idea what you want. The internal struggles, the ones that no one else ever knows about, the ones that we sometimes even have trouble spotting ourselves... they're the most annoying. As the name implies, these annoying conflicts don't concern or involve anyone else, they're just between you and your little old self, making them even harder to deal with, and sometimes making it more complicated to resolve. The worst part about personal internal struggles is that there's parts of you, something inside of you, that wants both resolutions to your struggle. Hence it being a struggle, if you only wanted one ending it wouldn't be a conflict, your decision would be made. -.-
But you know what else that means, that means that no matter what you decide- however your struggle ends... either way, there's a part of you left unsatisfied. The part that made you consider the alternate outcome of the struggle. There you are trying to decide, between one ending to a scenario, or the other. But you have your reasons for considering each result. And that means that however it ends, one of the things you had as a reason for your choice, is disregarded. Unacknowledged. And there's always a part of you that gets hurt in that situation... the part that was unacknowledged.
It just doesn't seem fair really, that when making such big decisions.. you're basically guaranteed a loss either way. No matter how much you want both, the universe basically has to tell you "well you can't have that, and you never will. So suck it up."
I mean who's the universe to decide what we can and can't do with our lives anyway. Sigh.

Because at least a teddy bear will listen.

I sometimes wish, that we could create people from our imagination. But not just imaginary people, like actual, physical people. Yea i'm a bit crazy. But there's logic beneath my insanity.
If I could create someone from my imagination, I would create a sister-like figure. She would be like the loyal imaginary friend that many children have, but she would be real. Someone that would always be there to welcome me when I get home, but still never leave my side. But the main purpose for this imaginary-but-real sister, would just be someone to listen. Someone that I could vent all my problems to, tell all of my thoughts, and they would just comfort me and understand. Someone that I would feel comfortable having no boundaries with, not having to censor any information or have any guards up, just being completely honest, and knowing that they will always listen. This used to be the purpose of my teddy bears, I would hold them tight when I was sad and tell them all my troubles. They would never argue back, or judge me or care about what I told them. I never had to lie to them, they never expected anything of me... they were the perfect thing to vent at. But sometimes as young me sat hugging my teddy bears, I would have given anything in the world for them to hug me back. To be able to respond and tell me they understood and that it would all be ok, to comfort me and hold me tight, instead of lying motionless while I comforted them. As helpful and loving as my teddies were, I yearned for the place of my teddy bears to be filled by a person. To be able to actually let someone else know what I was feeling, instead of keeping it confidential to everyone besides myself and a few stuffed animals. And as I get older, the need for that human teddy bear doesn't seem to be going away, but getting stronger.

Promises of persistence.

So i've set a goal. And i've decided that this goal must be reached in one month. It's a new challenge that I am absolutely determined to achieve,  and that I am excited to take on. It is going to take a huge amount of persistence, but I know that it is all for the better and I'm going to have to keep reminding myself that. Its something that i've wanted to do for an extremely extremely long time, so now i'm proud that I'm finally going to give it a real go. I have to do it, if I dont i'll most likely fall apart.
This is my pledge. Someone better hold me to it.

Not a light, but a flicker maybe?

I happen to be in a rather good mood this evening. Disregarding all school related things of course, I am actually quite proud of myself today. I currently seem to have this kind of proud-inspiring feeling, after i've been disappointed in myself for failing at something for a very long time and today I seem to have actually done an ok job. It seems as though, I could finally be getting back on track. Then again i've been here many times before, and somehow something always seems to throw a bit of a spanner in the works, so i shall not jinx anything yet. But today was promising. If I can be strong willed and persistent and keep up my good work things may turn around. fingers crossed :D Lets enjoy these feel-good vibes of present shall we