so much love.

the T word.

How do we know what real trust is. Everyone is always searching for it, everyone is always asking for it... but not many people are willing to give it. I'm not even completely sure that most people these days would recognise true trust if they had it, which doesn't exactly make it easier to be found.
I've always thought that trust was one of the most important values in any sort of relationship with people, and I always thought that I was someone who did put trust in others. I was proud of the fact that I was strong enough to put myself out there and make myself vulnerable in order to gain someones' trust in return. But now that I think about it or reflect on it... I'm a bit ashamed. Because I now realise I'm completely wrong.
I thought that I gave out my trust easily and often... but when I clear that wishful thinking I realise, I don't at all. In fact i'm ashamed at the little trust I give people. I wanted to know why people don't trust each other these days, and then I realised, its the same reason I've been scarce with it for such a long time. Because they're scared. People are worried that as soon as they give something that makes them vulnerable, that it will be used against them. I know that I'm the same, but sometimes I feel like most of the times that I have put trust in people... I do get hurt. I finally build up the courage to make myself vulnerable to someone, but then they turn around wound me. I'm terrible at trusting people because I feel like there's not many people I can trust. Of course there are the few exceptions to this as always, but people these days just don't understand what loyalty is. Or privacy, or the fact that sometimes their actions can actually affect other people too. They get too caught up in gossip, or in other people's problems, and don't realise their actions can be hurtful until its too late. Society these days just makes people only think of themselves.

But conversations with yourself is just insanity...

Internal struggles are the worst. Trying to make your mind up about something, trying to make a decision about your life.. when really you have no idea what you want. The internal struggles, the ones that no one else ever knows about, the ones that we sometimes even have trouble spotting ourselves... they're the most annoying. As the name implies, these annoying conflicts don't concern or involve anyone else, they're just between you and your little old self, making them even harder to deal with, and sometimes making it more complicated to resolve. The worst part about personal internal struggles is that there's parts of you, something inside of you, that wants both resolutions to your struggle. Hence it being a struggle, if you only wanted one ending it wouldn't be a conflict, your decision would be made. -.-
But you know what else that means, that means that no matter what you decide- however your struggle ends... either way, there's a part of you left unsatisfied. The part that made you consider the alternate outcome of the struggle. There you are trying to decide, between one ending to a scenario, or the other. But you have your reasons for considering each result. And that means that however it ends, one of the things you had as a reason for your choice, is disregarded. Unacknowledged. And there's always a part of you that gets hurt in that situation... the part that was unacknowledged.
It just doesn't seem fair really, that when making such big decisions.. you're basically guaranteed a loss either way. No matter how much you want both, the universe basically has to tell you "well you can't have that, and you never will. So suck it up."
I mean who's the universe to decide what we can and can't do with our lives anyway. Sigh.

Because at least a teddy bear will listen.

I sometimes wish, that we could create people from our imagination. But not just imaginary people, like actual, physical people. Yea i'm a bit crazy. But there's logic beneath my insanity.
If I could create someone from my imagination, I would create a sister-like figure. She would be like the loyal imaginary friend that many children have, but she would be real. Someone that would always be there to welcome me when I get home, but still never leave my side. But the main purpose for this imaginary-but-real sister, would just be someone to listen. Someone that I could vent all my problems to, tell all of my thoughts, and they would just comfort me and understand. Someone that I would feel comfortable having no boundaries with, not having to censor any information or have any guards up, just being completely honest, and knowing that they will always listen. This used to be the purpose of my teddy bears, I would hold them tight when I was sad and tell them all my troubles. They would never argue back, or judge me or care about what I told them. I never had to lie to them, they never expected anything of me... they were the perfect thing to vent at. But sometimes as young me sat hugging my teddy bears, I would have given anything in the world for them to hug me back. To be able to respond and tell me they understood and that it would all be ok, to comfort me and hold me tight, instead of lying motionless while I comforted them. As helpful and loving as my teddies were, I yearned for the place of my teddy bears to be filled by a person. To be able to actually let someone else know what I was feeling, instead of keeping it confidential to everyone besides myself and a few stuffed animals. And as I get older, the need for that human teddy bear doesn't seem to be going away, but getting stronger.

Promises of persistence.

So i've set a goal. And i've decided that this goal must be reached in one month. It's a new challenge that I am absolutely determined to achieve,  and that I am excited to take on. It is going to take a huge amount of persistence, but I know that it is all for the better and I'm going to have to keep reminding myself that. Its something that i've wanted to do for an extremely extremely long time, so now i'm proud that I'm finally going to give it a real go. I have to do it, if I dont i'll most likely fall apart.
This is my pledge. Someone better hold me to it.